If you’ve been reading closely and between the lines maybe you’ve figured out just who The Boyfriend is. Hint: this is his 4th name incarnation in my writing.
It has taken us a long time to get to this place where we are now and it was not easy at all but I couldn’t be happier.
When we met almost two years ago he was just supposed to be a FB. Nothing serious as I had met him after all in the intimate section of a popular dating site. The truth is I avoided him for awhile because I was seeing a few other people and I had this nagging suspicion that he was not going to end up a casual fling.
I was right. Off again. On again. Hurt feelings on all sides.
No matter what we’ve struggled through to get here, here is where we both belong.
I have placed a lot of blame for our inability to make our relationship work directly on him. Some of it was deserved but I never really stopped to consider that I had any responsibility in the failure. Perhaps it was my hurt feelings or simply just my refusal to accept that my actions didn’t correspond with my words.
Last month after a rough emotional experience I had an epiphany – I needed to change my behaviour. No, not to be someone else but just to stop and focus on what I wanted. The truth is, though I said I wanted to be with The Boyfriend my actions openly and constantly signalled the opposite. Continuing to write about other trysts on my blog, the profiles on various dating sites, the constant need to always be looking elsewhere for attention even if it was purely sexual. I wasn’t focused on him or on us.
Part of my behaviour can be linked directly to my mistrust of The Boyfriend – we’ve been down this road before. He’s hurt me and I’m scared it will happen again. And then the other part was my own fear. Fear of commitment. Fear of a loss of independence. Fear of moving forward. Fear of change. Fear of allowing someone into my world, my life, my heart.
My past experiences, not only with The Boyfriend, have left me hesitant to be vulnerable to anyone. When I open myself up to people I get hurt and because I am someone who feels things so intensely it’s often devastating. If I let him in, will it destroy me?
I had to make a choice and it’s one I make again every day. That choice is to change. To change how I interact and react to him – I’ve had to allow my defences to drop a little. To let go of our past mistakes and hurt. To be a more vulnerable and open person. In short, I am letting my guard down. It hasn’t been easy and at times it’s a struggle with myself and with him. You see, he suffers the same thing on his end.
So we are working towards a new version of him, me and us. We are not always in sync or perfect. We disagree. We are still learning to trust and depend on each other. Even though it is not an easy process we’ve come so far in the last month and we are moving forward together.
That’s the tough stuff.
The easy stuff, they stuff that makes working through all this worthwhile, is amazing. We are so alike in many ways it’s often mildly disturbing. We have the same dry sarcasm and humour. He makes me laugh and giggle and feel all girly and silly. We are both ambitious tempered with realism and a hint of cynicism. We can talk about anything and we do. Sometimes it’s 80s tv shows sometimes it’s the future – living together, marriage and babies. Nothing is off-limits. We’re honest and we respect, care and support each other.
I am falling in love and enjoying every second of it.