What amazes me is that I am full of words and of emotions and yet verbalizing them remains one of the most difficult things for me.
Sure if you step on my toes or get out of line there’s a really good chance I’ll tell you so. I don’t mince words with people and for the most part I respond respectfully. I have been chatting people’s ears off since I could talk. And if you get me going about politics or education or the importance of your HR. Department I may never stop.
But what happens when I’m trying to convey my feelings, those things that touch the deepest part of me? I choke. This past weekend The Boyfriend and I were having a nice dinner out and we got to talking and he was sitting across from me saying some incredibly touching things (I’ll spare you lest your teeth fall out and your stomach turn) and I sat there smiling like an idiot. A billion things running through my head; things I wanted to say or needed to say but I just couldn’t open my mouth to form the words. My heart was melting and I was clearly falling harder with every word he spoke but I couldn’t reciprocate. I held back.
I’ve questioned why over and over again. Is it fear? Trust? Or is it something more?
I’ve written plenty of heartfelt, gut wrenching emails and texts over the course of our relationship. While they are never easy it’s far more simple for me to convey my emotions that way.
Part of me is left to wonder if it’s just how I was raised. I didn’t really experience or see a lot of verbal affection or reinforcement and truth be told it makes me feel awkward at times. I shy away from it or become unresponsive to it.
There’s the rub it makes me uncomfortable but at the same time it’s what I’ve always craved. Hearing words of comfort and affection, caring and concern. I wish I knew how to get past this and I’m trying but the process is slow and frustrating.
I want to be able to say so much, not just to my boyfriend but to everyone who matters to me. I need to get past this particular obstacle because I don’t want to always be holding back or keeping part of myself closed off. I need to start saying all the things I can’t say out loud.