Last weekend was supposed to be about exciting new changes, fun and spending time being with the one I love. Instead it bordered on being one of the worst weekends ever.
The apartment I was supposed to see and was really hoping to rent was rented before I had a chance to see it. What followed was a scramble to find other possible places. Believe you me where I want to live, with my budgetary constraints pickins are slim. I arranged a few more appointments for that afternoon.
No other word can describe it. I was shown an apartment where people were in the process of being evicted. It was beyond filthy. Amidst their piles of crap/junk/waste were not one but two litter boxes. The stove was pulled out and covered in various foods. The bathroom looked like it had never been clean and that no amount of bleach or fire could make it so again.
I politely declined that apartment and went to see another one of their properties. The apartment was much nicer though the fridge stank when she opened it but the neighbourhood and the building itself were questionable.
With my anxiety visibly rising and tears in my eyes The Gay Boyfriend and I decided to drive to Starbucks near where I work. We ordered our drinks. And I wasn’t ready to get back in the car. I needed some air. I needed moment to process what would happen in a little over two weeks if I didn’t find a new place. Homelessness is not a state I’d like to ever revisit in my life. As we were walking down the street I saw an apartment for rent. I called and we saw it right away.
Now it’s tiny compared to the 1 bedroom I live in now and it’s more expensive too but it’s clean, close to work, on the bus routes I would need. It’s not ideal but I can work with it.
I’ve since secured the apartment, movers and I’m getting used to the idea of living in this new place.
I had a complete breakdown on the way home from seeing that apartment. Full on tears. Sobbing. Trying to speak and blubbering instead. It was the first time I said out loud that I was scared for this move. I was scared to be leaving my comfort zone; scared that my best friend won’t be on the same block anymore; scared that I will be alone out there in my new life. He gently reminded me that I’d be closer to the boyfriend so surely we’d see each other more often. With that thought in mind I felt a little better.
Sunday I had a date with the Boyfriend but it just never happened. Later in the evening he told me to give up on him.
I am hanging by the thinnest of threads right now.
Work is pulling me in a thousand different directions at once; I’m moving; it’s the holiday season; I have 2 exams on Saturday; my boyfriend walked away…
Today I had to will every single action out of me – breathing, walking, not bursting into uncontrollable tears. I feel like I can barely keep going but stopping just isn’t possible.
I need to keep going but I’m not sure how long I can keep this up.