The other night I tweeted that I haven’t had a Valentine since 2004
I am conflicted about that knowledge. Valentine’s Day is fraught with many emotions for me.
First off, it was my anniversary with The Gay BF. February 14th, 1999 he finally got up the nerve to ask me out after almost a year of dancing around our feelings. February 14th, 2004 was the last time the Gay BF and I had sex. We broke up 9 months later.
February 14th, 2005 was the first time I was alone in years and it was hard. I tried to enjoy my singleness but the pain of the break up was still too raw. Feeling the hole in my heart and the absence of his ring around my finger was too much. I spent the day shopping (I still wear the ring I bought for myself that day), watching sad movies (this is where my love of Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind was born), drinking a bottle of wine and eat steak for dinner. I didn’t speak to anyone all day. I was broken.
In the years since then Valentine’s Day has been hit and miss for me. I’ve always been single and some years that’s been easier to reconcile in my mind than others. Some years I admit to being the bitter single girl who decries Valentine’s Day as a commercialized fake holiday. And other years I spent the night with girlfriends going out for dinner and acting like it was just another day.
For me Valentine’s Day has never been a one-sided experience. I’ve gifted some pretty great things to my significant others on that day but it’s not about the gifts – it never was. Do I like to give them and get them? Absolutely. It’s like Christmas for me – it’s the thought that actually counts. It’s spending time with the person I love. It’s about being affectionate and taking a moment to reconnect (something that often gets overlooked in long-term relationships).
This year I have a Valentine. A real one and I hope for years to come. The thing is, he isn’t only my Valentine on February 14th but everyday.