Behind

I’m sure I’ve expressed the following sentiments before but they are foremost in my mind right now.

I feel like I’m behind.

Like somehow I’m in the slow group of life.

I’m 32 (yup I said it!) and I’m single (again), working a contract job (which I love and it depresses the hell out of me that it will end in October), still trying to pay off school and there is no real stability in my life.

I look at my friends and, except for The Gay BF, everyone is working at their cushy full-time jobs, living in their houses, having kids, with their spouses.(The Gay BF has a cushy job but hasn’t yet bought into the real estate thing or a stable relationship).

I can’t even keep a boyfriend.

And I know logically while my friends were laying the foundation for their current existence, I was putting myself through many years of university, pretty much on my own. I chose that life because it was who I thought I was, who I thought I wanted to be. And I know that there’s nothing wrong with the path I took I just wish that in some instances I would have chosen differently. That I would have chosen to date more, to be more social, to try to have built a foundation for myself as well.

So now, I find myself trying to build that foundation that everyone else built a decade ago. I am fully aware that I am not old and that I have plenty of time to get my life in order but this birthday, with all of this swirling around in my head has been hard.

The truth is at this age, unless you have a specific hobby or interest that brings you into someone’s sphere it’s almost impossible to make new friends. Yes, there are people I interact with online but in my RL, since my move, my world got really tiny. After work, most nights I’m alone until I greet my local Starbucks baristas in the morning. Sounds pathetic really. The truth is I’m an introvert and a home body by nature. I like my fair share of alone time so it’s usually a good thing for me but now. Now that I’m struggling with all of this, the isolation seems even more desolate.

I want to get to a point in my life where I don’t feel like I’m play catch-up. I want to feel like I’m ahead of the game called life at some point.

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5 thoughts on “Behind

  1. In a lot of ways you *are* ahead. You are articulate, passionate, eloquent. You have such a talent for writing. You’re insightful. You express yourself incredibly well. You’re educated.

    You are your own harshest critic.

    A job and real estate are great, but they’re not the be-all and end-all. You’ll get there, but why rush? You’re doing well now, better than you think you are. You can do this.

    • I am being hard on myself but I also thought/felt/saw those things sort of within my grasp and now that picture is shattered and it seem like less and less a possibility.

  2. i know i’m a few years younger than you but i feel like this all the time. my job isn’t what i want it to be – and i’m not even sure what i really want it to be. my social world is pretty tiny too, and i feel disconnected a lot – which is hard enough, and harder when it seems like everyone my age is talking about how they are so grateful for their amazing friends, etc. i try valiantly to remember we each have our own pace in life – but platitudes are rarely as helpful as they aim to be. **hugs** and sympathy, my friend. i get it.

  3. I know it may seem odd since our situations are vastly different, but I have been feeling the same way for a while now. I thought I’d have kids and a house and a happy life by now. And beyond that, when I consider leaving the situation I’m in, all those thoughts you mentioned about it being really hard to meet people pop into my head and scare the hell out of me. I wish I could say something to take away your loneliness and worries. Hell, I wish I could be the friend that came over to watch movies and hang out. Sadly, all I have are these wishes and words. I’m thinking of you and I know how you feel. xoxo

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