All I Have

I’ve been drinking…that should be said up front because this will ramble and in the morning it might not make any sense.

I have been in love, in some form or another with the same man for the last 2 years. We’ve been on a fucking emotional rollercoaster for just as long. He chased me. He hates when I remind him of that but he doggedly pursued me over a few months until I agreed to fuck him. Then we had our first kiss and I was hooked. We both were. We have been drawn to each other and dancing around for what seems like ever.

I finally thought we got our shit together. He brought up moving in together, getting married, having babies. He did. Not me. I haven’t wanted those things in years. But here was this man I am crazy about saying he wants them and with me and suddenly it all sounded like a good idea…it all sounded possible.

But my life isn’t tidy like that. I didn’t grow up in a happy or safe home. I don’t get the guy and I don’t get the happy ending.

The only man I’ve ever loved who didn’t leave me is gay. I love him to pieces and I don’t regret a minute of my life spent with him but all the others? I make them feel just good enough about themselves that they can go on to the next girl and settle down, propose, move in, make babies and have the life we’d talked about.

I don’t get the life. I get the discussion and the fighting and the bullshit while they figure themselves out. That’s my track record.

I hurt so much right now and the thought of cutting is foremost on my mind. I hate being that girl – the one who fights with the guy and wants to hurt herself. I’m not that weak. So my sheer stubbornness is what’s keeping me from doing anything asinine at the moment.

I wish I could say I knew what I was worth. I wish I could say that I believe I deserve better or more or even just to be loved…but I don’t. I don’t believe it. No amount of words have ever been able to convince me of that. No amount of drugs or therapy have ever convinced me of it. I’m broken.

I work so hard in my life to put up a front. To be strong. To appear in invincible but I’m the farthest thing from it.

Right now the only thing that is holding me together is my job. I love it and I’m damn good at it. But that’s all I have. At the end of the day I come home and I’m alone. I haven’t seen most of my friends in months. I only see the Gay BF once a week – if neither of us is ill with sporadic communication during the week. Otherwise I’m alone. Sure I have people who live in my computer and on my phone but I want so much to have someone to come home to every night. Someone who will come home to me. Someone I can make dinner for. Someone I can take care of and who will take care of me in return.

I wanted it to be him so much it’s killing me.

I was so hurt tonight when he bailed on me again that I lost it. I cried all the way home on the bus. And I texted things I should never have said because I don’t mean them. I just wanted him to hurt. I wanted him to feel the way I do right now. It was childish and petty.

Why can’t anyone love me? What’s wrong with me?

I’m not sure that all I have is enough anymore.

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