I realise that I am starting to sound bitter…as though I begrudge people the happiness that they have and I don’t.
I hate that.
My best friend A is most likely pregnant again and I am happy for her. Her little girl is the sweetest, smartest little person I know. So another one should be more of the same. I am happy for her but that happiness for her doesn’t negate the absolute despair I’m starting to feel about my current situation.
I spent the weekend with A and her hubby and daughter. All people I love very, very much. And I was so happy to see them, to be amazed by how much their little girl has grown, and be completely baffled by toddler speak.
But then I left and in the quiet of the car with the Gay BF, I couldn’t keep the bitter feelings out of my tone and I could barely hold back the tears.
I just don’t understand why I can’t have just some of that?
I don’t need a big house or a fancy car. I just want to have the safety, security and love that comes with having someone in your life who loves you. I want the option to have a little person someday. I want someone to hold my hand the movies. I want someone who will bring me cupcakes and lattes. Someone I can cook for and care for and love always.I want someone who won’t run away from me when things get hard or scary or confusing.
Sometimes I look around and I see how people just take for granted those they’re with and it makes me angry. And on the other side how people have someone in their life but that’s not enough. I realise people are hardwired to always want more than what we have or something different and new…but I just want something.
I don’t want to be that bitter old spinster in the corner but I feel the wall around my heart hardening again. I can’t be hurt anymore and I can’t let anyone else in.
(I’m sorry this space has more or less become the dumping ground for all the sadness in my heart right now)