I wish I could say I was sure of where I am but nothing could be farther from the truth right now.
Physically, I’m sitting outside enjoying one of my favourite summertime drinks: chocolate smoothie with a shot of espresso. Delish!
Mentally, I am in a million places at once.
Emotionally, I’m just too tired to know where I am anymore.
The Boyfriend and I are really over. I can’t explain it but something shut down in me last week and I just had to stop myself from pursuing him anymore. It doesn’t mean that it’s easy. It doesn’t mean that I don’t long for him. I do. But I finally get it – he doesn’t want a life with me and I can’t make him want it. Believe you me I tried so hard. Maybe there’s something wrong with him. But because of my nature I internalize his rejection. I can’t help it. So I have spent the last few weeks asking myself over and over what did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he want to be with me? What could I have done differently?
The truth is I’m 32. I’m not getting any younger and yet I have been in a stable long term relationship since I was 25. What’s wrong with this picture?
I seem to fall for guys who don’t want to date me/be committed long term or who want me as a secondary/tertiary partner. And while I am currently enjoying a rather intense relationship as someone’s tertiary partner, I want to “settle down”. I want to be someone’s person. The one they build a life with. The irony of this entire situation is that until The Boyfriend starting talking about our future together I wasn’t even sure I wanted those things anymore.
In other news my shopping addiction may be out of control these days. I bought my first pair of sandals in years – breaking then in is killing me but they’re adorable. Add to that some new lingerie, shirts, skirts, dresses, etc. and I think I’m going to need an intervention soon!
I am looking forward to running away for a day shortly. There will be a scenic view, Build-a-Bear and a bunch of other fun things involved.
Work is still wonderful and I love it. 7 months there already!
I will be seeing a Cirque du Soliel show next weekend, which I am so excited about.
Oh and I promise I more focused post about my relationship soon.