Where I am

I wish I could say I was sure of where I am but nothing could be farther from the truth right now.

Physically, I’m sitting outside enjoying one of my favourite summertime drinks: chocolate smoothie with a shot of espresso. Delish!

Mentally, I am in a million places at once.

Emotionally, I’m just too tired to know where I am anymore.

The Boyfriend and I are really over. I can’t explain it but something shut down in me last week and I just had to stop myself from pursuing him anymore. It doesn’t mean that it’s easy. It doesn’t mean that I don’t long for him. I do. But I finally get it – he doesn’t want a life with me and I can’t make him want it. Believe you me I tried so hard. Maybe there’s something wrong with him. But because of my nature I internalize his rejection. I can’t help it. So I have spent the last few weeks asking myself over and over what did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he want to be with me? What could I have done differently?

The truth is I’m 32. I’m not getting any younger and yet I have been in a stable long term relationship since I was 25. What’s wrong with this picture?

I seem to fall for guys who don’t want to date me/be committed long term or who want me as a secondary/tertiary partner. And while I am currently enjoying a rather intense relationship as someone’s tertiary partner, I want to “settle down”. I want to be someone’s person. The one they build a life with. The irony of this entire situation is that until The Boyfriend starting talking about our future together I wasn’t even sure I wanted those things anymore.

***

In other news my shopping addiction may be out of control these days. I bought my first pair of sandals in years – breaking then in is killing me but they’re adorable. Add to that some new lingerie, shirts, skirts, dresses, etc. and I think I’m going to need an intervention soon!

I am looking forward to running away for a day shortly. There will be a scenic view, Build-a-Bear and a bunch of other fun things involved.

Work is still wonderful and I love it. 7 months there already!

I will be seeing a Cirque du Soliel show next weekend, which I am so excited about.

Oh and I promise I more focused post about my relationship soon.

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7 thoughts on “Where I am

  1. good to hear from you. i think there’s value in finally shutting a door to something you know just won’t happen – i really hope you can move along peacefully. i also hope you find the things you want – and i’m glad you have some other things that you’re looking forward to ❤

    • I will be writing more often now.

      I am not sure the door is fully closed…I seem to want to keep opening it. I’m in recovery.

      Stay tuned even more interesting things to look forward to in the coming weeks!

  2. Hope you’ve had your RunAwayDay because it sounds like a lot of fun! And it’s something you obviously deserve.
    Cirque du Soliel shows are absolutely amazing!

    A friend once told me that if you want to change the dance, YOU have to change the steps. Perhaps you need to do things differently. It might be difficult but it definitely could prove worthwhile.

    • I did get to run away – it was awesome and intense and better than I could have imagined.

      I am now a Cirque addict. Twice already this year and there’s talk of another show before the summer’s over! They are incredible.

      That is something I am slowly (change is easier to want than to achieve) working towards. Hopefully, things will start falling into place a little bit better soon.

  3. The news about boyfriend is frustrating, but it’s better to happen now rather than later. That you’re accepting the situation is a good move – you seem to be doing well (shopping always helps!) and the couple days and a show are all very healthy. It means you are enjoying yourself without needing him there for happiness – and when you date again and find someone you’re interested in, he should understand that you are worth nothing less than primary.

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