Thuddy

Silent.

That is the best way to describe me when I am being flogged with a very thuddy toy.

Daddy’s favourite flogger is a really thuddy toy.

The first time we played with it Daddy placed me with my head at the foot of the bed and secured my wrists with cuffs and rope to keep me in place. This was our release play (or maybe it was just a release for me).

I was blindfolded while Daddy tormented me with a few stingy implements of his choosing followed by his favourite flogger. By this time I was well warmed up and he went at me. In these moments there is no concept of time for me – 5 minutes, 5 hours it’s all the same. While my body processes the pleasure/pain my mind goes to another place.

During this first round, my raced quite a bit about things completely unrelated to the moment:

I felt guilt over playing from hooky the following day

I remember thinking of The Ex-Boyfriend

I remember thinking I’m a complete lightweight who was giggly after one glass of wine with dinner

I remember thinking about work projects

I remember worrying about the way my body looked at the moment and whether Daddy was pleased

On and on these thoughts rapidly fired and then in an instant there is nothing. As the falls thud onto my skin they empty out my head. And I let go. I cried that night. I released the hurt in my soul and as Daddy held me (and Marcel – though he may not admit to cuddling the monkey too) I felt better than I had in weeks.

The following morning after some intense sex, more cuddles and snuggles, Daddy showed me how to use the flogger. As I flogged the pillow I understood how wielding it could be a pretty heady experience. When I handed it back to Daddy he swung it a few times on the pillow to before he pushed me face down on the bed to use it properly – on me.

This time was different. Yes my thoughts fired rapidly but this time there was silence and no tears. Just an incredible sense of peace and relaxation even as Daddy struck me harder and harder. I got lost in my head. I was gone.

Based on our discussions after the fact so was Daddy. He was so incredibly swept up in the moment that he was afraid of where he could have gone. So he pulled back and stopped us.

In those moments, when I get silent, I lose the ability to react as I normally would. I think it actually makes me “dumb”. I can’t speak for a while and when I start to, it’s very short, very some times jumbled sentences and thoughts. Daddy dragged me completely up onto the bed and held me quietly until I started to come back into myself. But the self that comes back is like the “light” version of Aurore. She is high from the endorphins, not terribly eloquent or thoughtful, she in essence a completely carefree version of me. I like her. She glows and bounces and giggles. She isn’t anxious or fussy. She just is.

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3 thoughts on “Thuddy

  1. Those last few sentences – where you describe yourself post flogging – is beautiful. I relate to that place so much – that state.

    Well said!
    ~Emmy

  2. That first flogging *was* meant for release. It was, in part, a “get to know you” beating. Not too severe but enough to get some colour into you. You moaned and groaned and struggled with it – and thank you for sharing all that was going on in your head at the time – but once a rhythm was found the struggling disappeared and was replaced by tears [and a couple of wails]. And I released you when you asked and held you until you came back to me.

    And it was apparent when it was done that you were calmer. More at ease with yourself and with me. Less hesitant and self-conscious. Silly and playful. It seems you listened and believed my words more. You let the little girl in you emerge more and let her stay with us.

    Now the silence of the second beating was intriguing. I have never before played with a sub who went as quiet as you did/do. It was *almost* unnerving. And it allowed me to focus on me, my thoughts, the rhythm and pace I wanted to set. It wasn’t about that reciprocal “call and response” that often happens in this type of play but it became about how far I could take you and how hard I could hit your skin [and hit you I *did*] before eliciting a response from you. Heady stuff for a first time really playing together. But either through will or desire you remained silent which led me to increase the tempo further. And on and on it went until I realized the force that I was bringing down on you and slowed the pace and impact until stopping. And bundled you into my arms.

    And we’ve talk a lot about this since and understand each other’s reaction better than I could have ever hoped for. And so the next time I will understand your silence and you will understand that I hold la carte rouge.

    I truly wish it were only possible to arrange for frequent beatings because you are the “poster child” for maintenance beatings. But I’ll gratefully take what time we can eke out.

    And this “light” version of your self…and yes, she was noticed. And it was nice to see that she hung around and lingered and was giddy and silly for a good few days afterwards. And I’m ever so glad that that “the drop” seemed to have only last for a single day makes it easier to plan more. And the day after the drop the light girl was still there. And that I’m still able to catch occasional glimpses of her.

    So do you think maybe, just maybe, it’s more than the beatings that have let you “just be”?

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