I feel like I have a decision or two to make right now.

About my diet:

I’m not going to follow the plan anymore. I have become so obsessed with monitoring what I’ve been eating that other things have started to fall by the wayside – including forgetting to take my medication. I’ve become so obsessed with the numbers on the scale and frustrated by the lack of progress that it’s hurting me mentally and emotionally. And when, like Thursday, I go off the “plan” the guilt and anguish that follows is incredible. That is not healthy. That is not improving my health or making me happier in any way.

So I’ve decided that I will continue to eat well. I will continue to get out and walk (eventually I will jog too when I’ve lost a little more weight) and I will continue to go to the gym but I’m going to approach it from a much healthier perspective. One without the pressure and anxiety of the last 3 weeks. One where I do not punish myself if I eat dessert at my best friend’s b-day dinner.

About my relationships:

When the Ex-Boyfriend and I got serious last fall, all the messing around stopped. Wanting to flirt with random people didn’t interest me. I was in my heart and mind very monogamous. We all know how that turned out.

After our one too many break-ups enter my relationship with Daddy. I thought I was ready for it and the first night we spent together, I realized I wasn’t ready to cross that particular threshold. The Ex-BF was still taking up too much space in my heart and my head and that meant my body couldn’t stray. As the weeks passed, things grew more involved with Daddy and it wasn’t that the Ex-BF no longer took up space in my heart and mind, it was simply that the took up different space in those places. I still love the Ex-BF incredibly. The way I love Daddy is completely different and one does not preclude the other from being possible.

My problem with both of these men in my heart? They will never be mine the way I need someone to be.

So I need to put myself out there, right?

That’s the last thing I want to do right now. I am pulling away. I am shutting down. I am shutting people out.

I’m in self-preservation mode right now. Terrified to take a chance on anyone. Terrified to bring one more person into the mix. One more person who will leave me hurt, leave me longing, leave me alone.

I am scared.

Part of me thinks I should go back to my more fun times – casual hook-ups. No pressure just mutual physical satisfaction with no expectations. But then there is the part of me that knows that isn’t what I really want. I want a relationship. Really if I wanted to, I could probably just fuck all the time. Honestly, sex for the sake of sex doesn’t appeal to me the way it once did. I want the connection. I want it to mean something more than just the physical act.

Really a big part of what I want is someone who will be here with me when I have shitty, unbearable weekends like this one. Someone who can be here to hold me while I have these particular little meltdowns. Someone I can talk to about all of this.


2 thoughts on “Crossroads

  1. oh, dear. i have a firm belief that all things happen in the right, and their own, time. you will be ready to put yourself out there when you are truly well and tired of NOT doing so – until then, it might be wisest to cocoon up and heal.

    re: diet: i feel similarly. i don’t forget to do other things but sometimes the pressure of “staying strong” and the guilt associated with not doing so feels like entirely too much.

    i hope you have a better week than weekend.

  2. I’m afraid if I cocoon too long, I may never come out again. Even now I find myself pulling away from people I like. Hiding from things I want to do.

    The week is better…but not the best, I’m trying to pull it together.

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