My Heart

Oh the poor thing.

Battered.

Bruised.

Aching.

In need.

I wish I could protect myself better. Not from others but from myself. From the way I wear my heart on my sleeve constantly, even when I don’t want to. Even when I know I shouldn’t. Even when I know it’s the smart thing to walk away. To take cover. To run. To flee.

My heart doesn’t listen. I’m a damn smart girl but when it comes to matters of the heart for some reason I can’t walk away until I have wrung every last tear, every last twinge, every last pain from my poor heart.

Lately, I’ve been looking over my past relationships and realizing that it’s quite common for me to engage in this type of emotional masochism that I’ve been perpetuating with the Ex-Boyfriend. One other breakup and the demise of a best friendship went the same way. Everything was smashed beyond recognition and then some.

Each of those previous relationships made me just a little bit more cautious about getting too close to people, which is why I find myself isolated and hesitant to get close to someone new. With the Ex-Boyfriend, I know our pattern, I know the ways in which we’ll hurt in each other, I know the pain I’ll feel when he breaks my heart again. But someone new, someone I don’t know they might find new ways to hurt me. New ways to break my heart or shake my confidence or turn my world upside-down.

My heart seems to fragile right now to seriously contemplate giving it to another but the thought of being alone and unloved seems to be outweighing my fear.

So I’m going to try, for a little while anyway to get back onto “the market”, see what’s out there, see if I can get past all of this, see if I can trust someone new with my heart.

I’ve made a vanilla-ish profile and I may think about updating my kinky profile too.

This is progress, right?

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “My Heart

  1. This reminds me of something I found once that said “follow your heart, but take your brain with you”. Just remember that you deserve the best. Even when your heart feels like it is getting what it needs, let your brain intervene and assess it for real. Hard to do – oh, so hard to do – but you deserve happiness. Don’t get caught in something that doesn’t have longevity unless you can keep your heart out of it.
    Hugs to you!!
    ~Emmy

    • My poor stupid heart. I wish I could keep it out of it. I’m working on making it a little less involved and a little less vulnerable if it isn’t necessary.

      Thank you. I really love that quote.

  2. Might I humbly suggest that the next time you take it off before laundering it? I suspect your repetitively putting it through the wringer can’t be doing it much good.

    But you and I both know that you wouldn’t be you otherwise, not without your heart being where it is. Smart girl [understatement] that you are, you’re wired that way. Even when you often know the risks involved.

    The way some people “lead with their chin”, you lead with your heart. You put your heart in everything you do or else you often don’t bother doing it. That’s just the way you are. You’re that way with work, your writing, friendships, love, and relationships.

    So, maybe, just maybe, as you go jiggedy jig to market that the trick might be to NOT wave your sleeve all round someone’s face at the beginning. Maybe you can try to keep it [mostly] firmly fastened at the beginning. Perhaps just showing a bit of cuff at the beginning would be an inducement for someone to seek more.

    And maybe try to take your time and savour and luxuriate in the seduction of “the reveal”. Maybe some burlesque-type moves would help – create a distraction, a diversion, before showing too much and baring all. Let him earn it each glimpse as a reward. A slow dance of the seven veils perhaps?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s