Oh the poor thing.
I wish I could protect myself better. Not from others but from myself. From the way I wear my heart on my sleeve constantly, even when I don’t want to. Even when I know I shouldn’t. Even when I know it’s the smart thing to walk away. To take cover. To run. To flee.
My heart doesn’t listen. I’m a damn smart girl but when it comes to matters of the heart for some reason I can’t walk away until I have wrung every last tear, every last twinge, every last pain from my poor heart.
Lately, I’ve been looking over my past relationships and realizing that it’s quite common for me to engage in this type of emotional masochism that I’ve been perpetuating with the Ex-Boyfriend. One other breakup and the demise of a best friendship went the same way. Everything was smashed beyond recognition and then some.
Each of those previous relationships made me just a little bit more cautious about getting too close to people, which is why I find myself isolated and hesitant to get close to someone new. With the Ex-Boyfriend, I know our pattern, I know the ways in which we’ll hurt in each other, I know the pain I’ll feel when he breaks my heart again. But someone new, someone I don’t know they might find new ways to hurt me. New ways to break my heart or shake my confidence or turn my world upside-down.
My heart seems to fragile right now to seriously contemplate giving it to another but the thought of being alone and unloved seems to be outweighing my fear.
So I’m going to try, for a little while anyway to get back onto “the market”, see what’s out there, see if I can get past all of this, see if I can trust someone new with my heart.
I’ve made a vanilla-ish profile and I may think about updating my kinky profile too.
This is progress, right?