As someone who has been identified as an INFJ, it’s fairly easy to understand how I can often feel as though I’m on the outside of all of these groups, cliques and wondrous happenings.
Truthfully, most of the time I don’t want to belong. For me and my personality, belonging, being social, being “on” can/is incredibly exhausting.
I don’t have the emotional strength to take on large groups often or have an overload of friendships. I would say I have 3 best friends right now (and one of those relationships may actually be over). I am fully aware that people’s energy can have an incredible impact on me and as much as I try to shield myself from negativity, it’s not always possible. People drain me, no I’m not talking emotional vampires, though I have (had?) one recently. Just having to live “outside” myself and be interactive with others depletes my mind and my body.
Interestingly, my career forces me to work outside my comfort zone 8 hours a day. Pushing me to be an extrovert, to live outside myself and to engage sometimes constantly with others. Some days after work I go home to retreat – jammies, Marcel and Criminal Minds episodes until bedtime. Sometimes I blog or tweet or flirt but usually, I just watch from the sidelines.
I watch from the sidelines a lot.
My “friends” go on trips together while the thought of going to the mall with them just makes me tired. They have all successfully found partners, married them and are making little people. I’m now further outside the group. Sometimes I have trouble relating even to those I like because I need to give what feels like a lot to maintain “normal” interaction. So while my friends are bonding over pregnancy and little people stories, what can I contribute? We could talk about the epic failure of my relationship with the Ex-Boyfriend or maybe how I have found myself with two, older, dominant lovers? Or maybe we could discuss the highlights of my week – getting my custom flogger and being thudded into a blissful state of calm and contentedness by Daddy. None of that is exactly playdate conversation now is it?
Lately, my introversion and position on the sidelines has taken me almost too far away from everyone. My bestie and I haven’t seen each other in months. I tried reaching out; I’ve tried to make plans to see her but I’m only a blip in her world these days. Her birthday and my “niece’s” have gone by now – no response. When things go silent with people, I pull back out of nature and out of fear. I’m trying to remain a part of her life but I don’t know if I fit or belong there anymore. I need to belong somewhere.
It’s sad but worlds drift apart sometimes.
Online I often feel the same thing – I’m never really “in” anywhere. I’m kinky but not super kinky (Daddy disagrees); I don’t swing; I’m too young for some, too old for others. I gave up flashing my body everywhere so I’m not as “interesting” or “sexy” as those who do.
Sometimes I wonder if I disappeared from the online world if anyone would notice. I’ve thought about closing my Facebook account or at the very least deleting most people en masse. I am certain no one would notice if I wasn’t there anymore. Only a handful of people ever comment on what I do or post these days.
I realize that living on the periphery has its advantages – no drama, people don’t come to you with their crap, etc. but I’m now I’m feeling like I’ve been on the periphery for so long that I don’t know how to get back to the centre. I don’t know how to get back to that place where I don’t always feel alone and isolated. That place will never be overloaded with people. As a matter of fact a few really good, strong friendships is all I really need these days. I just need to find my way back to that place.
I’m trying. I have to try before I become the crazy cat lady who never leaves her apartment but I’ll always be an introvert.