I wish I wasn’t…

Just try not to let it get to you. 

Just try to be happy. 

If I had a penny for every time someone around me uttered those words…I’d be rich. Seriously. Those words infuriate me. Truly. If I were a violent person, I would deck the idiot who had the nerve to utter those words in my general direction.

Why so infuriated?

Those phrases imply two things: one, I’m not trying to be happy, and two, that I enjoy my misery.

Let’s use today as an example. I went to work. Put on my happy face. I worked diligently for about 7.5 hours. I laughed and smiled with my co-workers. I spent time with my boss. I did exactly what was required and expected of me and I did it well. Underneath all of that, I was/am completely torn up but I am realising that I am struggling with issues, I don’t know that I will ever overcome. I wanted to cry. All day. But, there’s no crying in HR.

Do I wish I could just will myself to be happy? You have no idea how much. Really and truly. On a day like today, where I try so hard to be what everyone else wants and needs me to be, when I finally get home and lock the door behind me, everything falls apart.

I wish I wasn’t the girl who comes home to her empty apartment most nights and cries.

I wish I wasn’t the girl who feels like she can’t trust anyone.

I wish I wasn’t the girl who is terrified that she will be abandoned.

I wish I wasn’t the girl who can’t seem to grasp her own self-worth.

I wish I wasn’t the girl who wished she could be someone else.

If I could just will myself to be happy right this instant, there is nothing more I’d rather do but I can’t. So I continue to struggle. I continue to fight and I hope that somehow, someway I can find moments of happiness where those dark thoughts don’t cloud my mind and make me wish those things.

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6 thoughts on “I wish I wasn’t…

  1. I’ve been reading your blog and following you on Twitter for a little while now. I have to say that I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what you go through on a daily basis, especially having to be bright and bubbly at work all the time. (I’ve gotten fired for getting pissed off during a shift before.)
    I won’t presume to know you just from your blog and your tweets, and I won’t try to give you any kind of advice. I will say that I enjoy reading your tweets and your blog. Sometimes they make me think, sometimes they brighten my day, and sometimes you say exactly what I’m feeling.

    • Truthfully, sometimes I don’t know how I do it either. It really can be exhausting which is why I tend to shut down and be so isolated when I’m not at work. I have a limit and most days I reach it by 4 PM.

      *hugs* Thanks.

  2. I identify strongly with how you feel – I don’t come home alone but I am often sad, struggle with the same self-esteem and self-worth issues. I don’t think anyone I interact with all day would know – sometimes, the show is even comforting to me, if that makes sense. I get frustrated to with pleas to “just try”. However, through that all, there are days where by sheer will, by literally coaching myself in my head, i can change my perspective a bit and recognize the positive around me. It feels Herculean… But every once in a while, it works.

    • I understand what you mean when you say it’s comforting. I think sometimes the routine of work and being constantly busy and “on” is what keeps me sane. If I didn’t know that I had to pull it together every day, I’m not sure I would get there on my own sometimes.

      I do try. I will myself. I beg and plead and hope and wish and medicate and go to therapy. So when people tell me to try, sometimes I don’t know what else I could try anymore.

  3. Hugs to you. You are very valuable. Putting on a happy-face never solves the problem.

    But sometimes, looking at what went well is harder than thinking over and over the things that should have been different. Just recall that you have a lot going right – don’t let the other stuff be the clouds that block the sun.

    xoxo
    ~Emmy

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