Just try not to let it get to you.
Just try to be happy.
If I had a penny for every time someone around me uttered those words…I’d be rich. Seriously. Those words infuriate me. Truly. If I were a violent person, I would deck the idiot who had the nerve to utter those words in my general direction.
Why so infuriated?
Those phrases imply two things: one, I’m not trying to be happy, and two, that I enjoy my misery.
Let’s use today as an example. I went to work. Put on my happy face. I worked diligently for about 7.5 hours. I laughed and smiled with my co-workers. I spent time with my boss. I did exactly what was required and expected of me and I did it well. Underneath all of that, I was/am completely torn up but I am realising that I am struggling with issues, I don’t know that I will ever overcome. I wanted to cry. All day. But, there’s no crying in HR.
Do I wish I could just will myself to be happy? You have no idea how much. Really and truly. On a day like today, where I try so hard to be what everyone else wants and needs me to be, when I finally get home and lock the door behind me, everything falls apart.
I wish I wasn’t the girl who comes home to her empty apartment most nights and cries.
I wish I wasn’t the girl who feels like she can’t trust anyone.
I wish I wasn’t the girl who is terrified that she will be abandoned.
I wish I wasn’t the girl who can’t seem to grasp her own self-worth.
I wish I wasn’t the girl who wished she could be someone else.
If I could just will myself to be happy right this instant, there is nothing more I’d rather do but I can’t. So I continue to struggle. I continue to fight and I hope that somehow, someway I can find moments of happiness where those dark thoughts don’t cloud my mind and make me wish those things.