Hole

That’s the only way to describe the feeling I have now – a giant gaping hole.

You see I called things off with my Daddy the other day. I didn’t want to…I wish I hadn’t but I can’t keep things the way they are.

The “complication” I never spoke of here is his marriage. Judge me if you’d like but know there is nothing you can say that I haven’t already told myself and then some.

I never wanted to get involved with a married man. It was never ever my intention but our friendship blossomed into something else. I have always worried about how this might impact his family. And I have never ever wanted for anyone to get hurt. As far as I know, the hurting count still stands at two: him and I.

I won’t try to justify my relationship with him here. I don’t need to. We know what it was; what it means to us. I love him with all my heart.

But.

I just can’t keep going with things the way they are – it’s not enough for me to be the other woman in his life. I also cannot ask him to choose which life he wants to live. That’s not fair to anyone for so many reasons.

I’ve thought about the possibility of our future together; what that might look like – where we might live, being a step-mom, etc…but for me, at a certain point that fantasy became untenable.

I feel like a cliché. Waiting to see if he’ll leave his wife, knowing full well he can’t and shouldn’t leave because of me. We talked about it. But even those conversations felt cliché to me.

Over the last 2 years that we’ve become friends, I can safely say he is one of my best friends. We have talked about everything. He has loved me in the ways I need to be loved. He held me and cared for me and spoiled me. He has talked me through so many difficult situations…

I’ve asked him not to contact me – the pain of even trying to be friends right now is killing me. Not getting my “tuck” emails at night or my good morning emails and all the chatting in between has meant a lot of silence these last 2 days. Too much silence.

I miss him.

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