Last night I explained something to the Ex-Boyfriend, I’ve come to realise in the last few months about myself. I’ve never said it to anyone else but I have never stopped loving certain people in my life. Never will.
I’ve often wondered where the love goes when things fall apart and for me I know it doesn’t disappear or evaporate or turn to hate, not even in the most devastating circumstances. Instead I find myself taking that part of heart that belonged to someone else and putting it in a jar, high up on a self.
Sometimes I take it down, look at it and smile remembering the good that’s in there. Sometimes I open it up, poke it, feel the loss and have to force myself to close it up again but in the end, those pieces of my heart are better off in their respective jars.
Currently I have three with a fourth ready and waiting for when I’m finally ready and able to excise my latest love lost. The truth is I’ve never loved any of those four men the same way. I’ve never wanted the same things from them. I never got giddy and silly and girly in the same way. I don’t know how to love the same way with different people. My love adapts and changes to the circumstances to the person being loved. And the truth is none of them have loved me the same way either. All four of them will always have that piece of my heart and no one will be able to come along and claim it.
I don’t feel worse for missing those pieces at all. Actually that they exist at all and that I’ve had four great loves in my life, no matter how they ended, makes me happy. Do I wish that I could have one of those pieces back in its proper place? More than you can ever know but sometimes things just aren’t meant to be.
So I will continue to love them in my own way, always. There’s no expectation to go back, to make it work, to force something that was merely fleeting but it’s important to me to keep those pieces close by as a reminder of how amazing love can be.