I had an epiphany this past week while talking to my social worker – I don’t get angry.
Think about that for a moment. I never, ever experience anger.
I’ve tried for the last 3 months to work up to anger at my rapist – it comes out as apologetic.
I’ve tried to get mad at my father but then I hear myself saying, “he did the best he knew how to do…”
I’ve tried to get mad with the ExBoyfriend for any number of shitty things that have happened but again…nothing.
I don’t get angry. Who really knows why that is? What I do know is that I don’t get angry, instead I sublimate those feelings and turn them inwards so I end up carrying them around with me. I get frustrated and frazzled, depressed and despondent but I do not get angry.
I go out of my way to ensure other people do not get angry with me either. Anger and disappointment (which sometimes go hand and hand) are truly the worst responses I could provoke in anyone around me. I was spoken to sternly by a manager at work the other day about something that wasn’t anyone’s fault – certainly not mine – but it upset me. I felt like a puppy who had it’s nose whacked with a newspaper. Twenty minutes later he returned to apologize to me, saying that he was experiencing frustration with other things and he had unfortunately taken it out on me when he shouldn’t have. If he hadn’t come to me, I would have avoided him for as long as possible because I was hurt and upset by the way he directed his anger towards me.
The only person who sees glimpses of that emotion we call anger is me. The closest I come to expressing anger is with myself and even then, it is a pale imitation of that emotion at best.
I can access a lot of emotions, sometimes too many I fear but for whatever reason anger seems to be beyond my reach. I’m sure some people are reading this asking what is so wrong with never getting angry with people. Well the down side is that some times anger is appropriate. Sometimes you need to feel anger towards someone in order to process a situation and allow to move forward. Instead, I’ve learned not to feel it and I internalize my feelings, which end up getting lugged around with me for years. Having that conversation with my therapist made me realise that some of what I carry around with me, is keeping me stuck in this place that I don’t particularly want to stay in.
So I need to find ways, that don’t involve anger, to get myself unstuck.