Note: I actually wrote most of this post the first weekend in November, while riding a bus on my way to the Playground conference. Between extreme laziness and not feeling connected to what I’m about to post here, I just didn’t get around to putting in on my blog. For the most part it’s no less true today than it was when I wrote it.
This post has been a long time coming.
I have lost track of how many “good days” I’ve had. I was keeping track on Twitter for a while back but I lost count. I. Me. The girl who suffers from chronic depression; who has so few real life friends; who spends her time alone; who was raped a few months ago; who has faced job uncertainty; who decided to tackle her financial situation head on and yet somehow through all that, and more, I have been having good days!
I’ve been seeing my therapist and made a lot of progress in dealing with my guilt and shame surrounding my rape. I am still wrestling with self-forgiveness and channelling my anger towards my rapist (I have actually given up on trying to be angry with him. I have difficulty feeling and expressing anger with others.) I’m still working on me and getting myself to a place where I can cope with my feelings.
On the job front, after my year-long contract expired and my boss looked me in the eyes and offered me nothing but another six months. I lost it, in a manner of speaking. The next day I dragged myself into work and did nothing. My work ethic generally forbids that kind of behaviour but I spent the day organizing my inbox, tweeting, chatting and generally not working. I was a giant black cloud of frustration. So I talked to my boss. I was teary and emotional. I explained that after busting my ass for the last year for her and the company I was more than disappointed that no one saw fit to reward me in any way. Then I asked for the rest of the week off. My boss, the Director of HR is generally unflappable but she was shaken by our conversation and my desire for time off. I know the decision about me didn’t lie with her but I was voicing my displeasure loud a clear through my actions. I’ve known since last March that my boss wants me to stay, that she sees a future for me in the company’s HR department going forward but so many other factors were making it difficult to convince the higher-ups that making me permanent was necessary. So I left work Tuesday night not really knowing if I’d just shot myself in the foot or what my next step would be. I spent the rest of the week at home indulging in self-care. Now I didn’t do this as some kind of stunt that’s just not who I am. I was emotionally unable to handle that situation and go to work and pretend that my work and my worth to the company hadn’t been undervalued. I called my boss on Thursday to let her know that I would be in on Monday and that I would take the six month contract extension. In my mind, I was fixing up my resume and getting ready to make an exit from the company at a moment’s notice. Much to my surprise on Monday morning by boss offered me a full-time permanent position with a slight raise and benefits. I was elated I love my job and my co-workers (the exception being my counterpart who has returned from maternity leave but that’s another post).
So while I’ve been struggling and having moments of hurt and frustration I feel calm, in control and strong these days. I can’t explain why but I’m much more sure of myself.