#Scintilla – Lost

I’ve never been the social butterfly actually I’m quite the opposite, I’m that girl who sits in the corner of a party wishing someone would talk to her first.

That night, I lost a part of myself that was underdeveloped in this over-share, social-media-heavy, 24/7 interactive world, I lost my ability to meet new people.

It had been awhile since I’d been on a date with someone I didn’t know but really, Dave and I had chatted off and on for over two years so I didn’t consider him a stranger. Actually, I more or less viewed him as a test. If I could go out and be social with him, I could probably go out on a “real” date with someone more compatible. I’ve never been good at dating. I tend to oscillate from one extreme to the other – either I am aloof and distant or I over-share. One day I will find the happy medium but I digress.

My first date with Dave was nice. He was funny if a little dumb for me. He was a little too street and a little too obsessed with his suped up car for my taste but it was a drink; where’s the harm in that? He was sweet, complimentary and he held my hand while we walked. I’m a sucker for the small things. We had consensual sex that night.

Two weeks later, he takes me to a horribly boring movie, Apollo 18, we share frozen yogurt, popcorn and a drink. Later we went to a pub near my place for a late dinner. We chatted and I discovered he was even more odd than I’d thought – lots of rambling about UFO conspiracies. Eventually, we ended up at my place again.

It was different this time. He was rougher. Pinning my down to tickle me though I begged him to stop. Spanking me though I asked him not to. He threatened to use the flogger that was hanging in my room on me even though he’d never used one. I didn’t fight him. I didn’t even ask him to leave. I just asked him to stop. Again and again. He wasn’t much taller than me but he was muscular and teaches jiu-jitsu.

So I didn’t fight.

He held me down and used me. I faked it so it would end. I wanted it to end.

What happened that night causes me to question my judgement. It makes me fearful of meeting new people. No, I’m not afraid to make small talk with my baristas but the thought of interacting with people on a level that is anything but superficial is terrifying. I can’t date. I can’t make new friends. I have isolated myself even further because I am terrified that the next person I let into my life might take something else from me.

I know that I need to find away to get back what I lost that night – my sociability, my sexuality, my faith in others – but I’m just not there yet.

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3 thoughts on “#Scintilla – Lost

  1. I hate this. I hate that this happened to you and that because of his depraved behaviour you judge yourself harshly now and won;t trust yourself. I want to be violent towards him on your behalf. Since i can’t, I will settle for telling you that none of it was your fault. And that you will surprise yourself in the future and that he didn’t win because I am your friend and I am new and he can’t have that.

  2. I am so so sorry. I feel like an idiot for making jokes yesterday during your conversation on twitter. I hadn’t yet read this post. I hope you get your mojo back, no woman deserves to feel the way you do. I don’t know you well enough to offer you a hug, but I want to anyway.

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