Our first kiss was electric and it’s firmly imprinted in my mind.
The first time we played.
“I crave you”, he said.
The first night he stayed over.
Our first of many conversations about 80s and 90s tv shows.
Dominance and submission.
Chatting, texting, emailing, talking. The sound of his voice…it just does things to me.
On again, off again.
Dinner at one of his favourite Indian restaurants. He was nervous and babbling. I was cautious but desperate to be back in his arms. As we looked for a coffee shop to satisfy my caffeine addiction, I pulled him towards some steps and I kissed him. It was just as electric as the first time.
The day he wrote his GMATs he stopped by my place on his way home. He was disappointed with his mark but he said, “You’re the only person I wanted to see.” That was the moment I knew. He truly loved me and I loved him.
Off again, on again.
Sitting in the Mexican restaurant, getting tipsy on sangria, we talked about our future. He asked me to move into his condo (that didn’t yet exist). He teased me about wanting to have his giant baby (he’s 6’3″), which was compounded by the most adorable baby boy who was playing happily at the table beside us.
He helped me study for my Accounting exam – just having him near me that night made me calm and helped me focus.
I was hopeful.
For three years and three months, I was hopeful that we’d get it together. That we’d put the past behind us.
I remember the last time we slept together. He didn’t mean to fall asleep here but it was late so I shut off the lights and we both rolled over. Over the next few hours every time one of us stirred we reached out for the other like we couldn’t stand to be apart.
I am still amazed that with a simple hug or kiss hello, he couldn’t hide the arousal he felt for me. Mine could be hidden but it was still there – always.
He was the man I felt safe enough to be with after I was raped.
He was the man I thought I could make a life with.
I have so many incredible memories of him, of us but then I also remember every time he made me cry. Every time he just walked away from me. Every time he said goodbye.
He didn’t just break my heart once or twice but over and over again.
I love him so much and I miss him in ways I can’t describe.
He told me the other day, he just doesn’t love me the way he used to and I shattered.