[I originally posted this on my old blog on October 3, 2009. Sadly, some things never change]
Sometime last week in the midst of an email conversation between myself and a fellow blogger he sent me this:
This would have sounded harsh had I not had this very revelation recently.
The truth is I keep putting myself in these situations. I am the one who chooses to let these unavailable men into my life over and over again. I am the one who wears her heart on her sleeve. I am the one who gets stuck and just can’t let go. I am the one who opens herself up to this hurt over and over again. I am the one who doesn’t listen when being told they are unavailable. I am the one who thinks somehow I can change that. I am the one who knows better but insists on pursuing these relationships. I am the one who knows I have a bad track record where men are concerned.
So why do I do it?
So many reasons. Most of them just too raw to write here.
Last year the CBC debuted Being Erica. Never have I related so much to a character: early thirties – check, perpetually single – check, friends getting married, buying their first homes and moving up the corporate ladder – check, having an all but useless Master’s degree in literature – check! In a recent episode entitled, Battle Royale, Erica confesses to her boyfriend that if things don’t work out with him that she’s afraid they never will because there is something wrong with her.
It’s not something I admit to or even acknowledge very often but I feel the same way. Like somehow, I’m defective.
There has only been one person who has loved me unconditionally in my life, only one person I loved unconditionally and I fear that there may not be another.
5 [almost 8] years later and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…