Being Aurore

[I originally posted this on my old blog on October 3, 2009. Sadly, some things never change]

Sometime last week in the midst of an email conversation between myself and a fellow blogger he sent me this:

If you will allow me an observation (avert your eyes if you don’t want to read it): If you’re falling for guys who are not available, the only possible outcome is you getting hurt, right? You can either date them and not fall for them, or date people who are more available. But you told me that you are typically dating people who are not available. Maybe because you’re afraid of a commitment or some other reason.
If this is the case, it seems that your behavior needs to change. You’re not getting hurt for no reason – it seems to be inevitable if you are choosing people who can’t or won’t reciprocate your feelings, right?

This would have sounded harsh had I not had this very revelation recently.

The truth is I keep putting myself in these situations. I am the one who chooses to let these unavailable men into my life over and over again. I am the one who wears her heart on her sleeve. I am the one who gets stuck and just can’t let go. I am the one who opens herself up to this hurt over and over again. I am the one who doesn’t listen when being told they are unavailable. I am the one who thinks somehow I can change that. I am the one who knows better but insists on pursuing these relationships. I am the one who knows I have a bad track record where men are concerned.

So why do I do it?

So many reasons. Most of them just too raw to write here.

Last year the CBC debuted Being Erica. Never have I related so much to a character: early thirties – check, perpetually single – check, friends getting married, buying their first homes and moving up the corporate ladder – check, having an all but useless Master’s degree in literature – check! In a recent episode entitled, Battle Royale, Erica confesses to her boyfriend that if things don’t work out with him that she’s afraid they never will because there is something wrong with her.

It’s not something I admit to or even acknowledge very often but I feel the same way. Like somehow, I’m defective.

There has only been one person who has loved me unconditionally in my life, only one person I loved unconditionally and I fear that there may not be another.

5 [almost 8] years later and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…


11 thoughts on “Being Aurore

  1. >It's wonderful that you have come to some kind of realization. It means that you can do something about it.I've said it before to others, perhaps even to you. You can't be happy in a relationship until you're happy with yourself. You need to feel complete. You can't try to fill a hole or a space.This is the most important piece of information anyone has given me. I can't say that I've managed it, but I believe with all my heart that it's true.*Hugs*

  2. >I admit, I feel like your married friend, but as you know, married doesn't equal perfect/happy – sometimes we crave what's on the other side – there's times I miss being single.But when I was single, there were times I felt like I would never find dedicated love and respect in a partner. It hit me when I least wanted it or expected it, and it happened fast.I agree with Cande – the realization speaks volumes to your state of mind – you've been through so much since spring, and this progress puts you in a better space to love yourself.And I still think meeting the Communist was a wonderful step – you finally were able to be the sub AND control the direction of the relationship. Maybe I'm seeing this as more of a breakthrough than you are, but it's far greater development than most people go through in years. Of course, none of this changes how you feel now, for that, I give you big hugs.

  3. >The context is different, but the saying 'Admitting there is a problem is the first step' is so, so true. Now, I don't believe you have a "problem", but recognizing a pattern of behavior is definitely the first and best step to changing it. You are a strong, beautiful woman, Aurore; as we all know. Have faith in yourself and follow your heart.XO

  4. >I can't remember what the Dr. Tom character says to Erica in one of those episodes, but it sat with me when I watched it, because seemed such a lovely way to express some state I had been living through. I can't quite it, but the idea might be relevant. I hope. It's something about being caught between the sense that there is only ONE of everything (like when you write "I fear that there may not be another") and the knowledge that the numbers there actually are out there are entirely dependent on your choices, your selection. That's just a cerebral way of saying that, yeah, your recognition of that patterned behaviour opens the door to all those other possibilities. For what it's worth to you. That's me Being Dr Tom.

  5. >Duchess: I'm sorry you can relate – it sucks. Cande: The problem with this realization is that I'm not sure what to do about it. Topaz: The grass always seems greener, right? I'm not sure any of this is a breakthrough it feels much more like a breakdown. (And while this post applies to the situation with The Communist, I wasn't really thinking of just him at the time).Ms Scarlett: I think my heart is what gets me into this trouble. TA: That is sage advice that my head can comprehend but my heart my never understand.

  6. >You know what? I found myself in sort of the same boat for a few years. It happened after I filed for divorce. I wasn't really aware that I was looking for men who really weren't available, but I found myself one day analyzing and sure enough it was true.

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