Bringing (My) Sexy Back

Finding my way back hasn’t happened overnight. There have been stages…oh so many stages:

Revulsion/Disgust
Emotional distress
Anger
Fear
Force
Denial
Avoidance
Desire

And that’s where I’ll start. Just over a month ago I was texting with a Twitter friend and suddenly the conversation became a lot more flirtatious and quickly became sexual. For the first time in months my brain wasn’t freaking out. There was no adverse reaction. My body was aroused and I enjoyed myself.

My friend didn’t know (well he will if he reads this) that night helped bring back my desire. Something stirred in me that I was relatively certain was never coming back.

The next day I called Paul and we had phone sex for the first time in months. Before my rape, we’d been trying to get time together to consummate the flirting and driving each other crazy that had been happening for years. That came to a grinding halt last September. To say he was pleasantly surprised was an understatement, as was I.

I realise now that sexting and phone sex were safe ways to start exploring my sexuality again. I could be aroused in a safe way. No one was touching me. No one could force me into anything. The distance with my “partners” made these modes of sexual expression ideal as a way back to sex.

Still while enjoying other people’s words and fantasies through my phone is lovely, I want more.

On my second date (which I need to write about) I made out with a real live person. He was practically a stranger to me but we were in public and he asked me very politely if he could kiss me before he did. Asking for my consent before he kissed me or touched me in any way went a long way to making me comfortable with what happened that night.

So my desire is back. I want to be physical with someone again I’m just terrified about putting myself in the position where I might actually have sex with someone. That day is getting closer and there is a possibility it could happen in the near future. I want to be ready for it but I’m not sure I’ll ever feel fully prepared for it.

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