I found my anger.
I was lying in bed a few weeks ago. In pain. Covered in ice packs and heating pads. Maxed out on pain medication and steroids.
I slipped in my Mindfulness Meditation for Pain Relief CD. I’ve been told over and over again that I need to find a way to relax and handle my stress better so I was trying. As I listened to the CD, I felt my frustration and anger growing. Being told to embrace my body as it is, in the present moment racked with pain was too much.
There is no part of me that wants to embrace my RA.
There is no part of me that wants to “learn to live with this”.
There is no part of me that is ready to accept what RA has done to me these last 10 months.
There is no part of me that wants to deal with RA for one more second.
Lying there, listening to this the angry tears came hot and fast and I screamed. Loudly, “RA can go fuck itself.” (I’m sure my neighbour thought that was odd).
How do people make peace when things like this happen? How do you accept chronic pain and discomfort? Having your whole life fucked up?
My therapist has mentioned the 5 Stages of Grief before. I’ve finally embraced the anger. Unfortunately, the angrier I become with my situation, the more frustration I feel, the deeper my depression becomes. I’ve been slipping lately.
A friend took a picture of me the other day when we were out – seeing myself, it’s like it wasn’t me. My face has rounded from the steroids; I’ve put on more weight from inactivity and consoling myself with food. My body is not my own these days between the RA activity and the myriad of side-effects from the drugs, I wake up every morning asking myself, “is anything new wrong?” Stiffness, swollen joints, pain, headaches, flushes, nausea, random inexplicable abdominal pain, changes to my skin and hair, nothing is as it was.
I feel like a different person and not in a good way. I feel disconnected from my body from myself.
This illness has robbed me of my body in many ways but it’s also taken my money – between time lost at work and the overwhelming cost of medication and things I need to make it through the day.
And then there is the frustration of my work situation…while I’ve been told my boss is looking into getting me a laptop to work from home it’s taking longer than I know it should so the situation is still unresolved.
I wish I could be someone who makes the most of situations like this but right now I just drowning in my anger and frustration.