I Found My Anger

I found my anger.

I was lying in bed a few weeks ago. In pain. Covered in ice packs and heating pads. Maxed out on pain medication and steroids.

I slipped in my Mindfulness Meditation for Pain Relief CD. I’ve been told over and over again that I need to find a way to relax and handle my stress better so I was trying. As I listened to the CD, I felt my frustration and anger growing. Being told to embrace my body as it is, in the present moment racked with pain was too much.

There is no part of me that wants to embrace my RA.

There is no part of me that wants to “learn to live with this”.

There is no part of me that is ready to accept what RA has done to me these last 10 months.

There is no part of me that wants to deal with RA for one more second.

Lying there, listening to this the angry tears came hot and fast and I screamed. Loudly, “RA can go fuck itself.” (I’m sure my neighbour thought that was odd).

How do people make peace when things like this happen? How do you accept chronic pain and discomfort? Having your whole life fucked up?

My therapist has mentioned the 5 Stages of Grief before. I’ve finally embraced the anger. Unfortunately, the angrier I become with my situation, the more frustration I feel, the deeper my depression becomes. I’ve been slipping lately.

A friend took a picture of me the other day when we were out – seeing myself, it’s like it wasn’t me. My face has rounded from the steroids; I’ve put on more weight from inactivity and consoling myself with food. My body is not my own these days between the RA activity and the myriad of side-effects from the drugs, I wake up every morning asking myself, “is anything new wrong?” Stiffness, swollen joints, pain, headaches, flushes, nausea, random inexplicable abdominal pain, changes to my skin and hair, nothing is as it was.

I feel like a different person and not in a good way. I feel disconnected from my body from myself.

This illness has robbed me of my body in many ways but it’s also taken my money – between time lost at work and the overwhelming cost of medication and things I need to make it through the day.

And then there is the frustration of my work situation…while I’ve been told my boss is looking into getting me a laptop to work from home it’s taking longer than I know it should so the situation is still unresolved.

I wish I could be someone who makes the most of situations like this but right now I just drowning in my anger and frustration.


6 thoughts on “I Found My Anger

  1. I can relate, I’ve gotten bitchier just from more pain, being bed bound too much of the time and watching life pass me by… I too wish I was zen with everything, that requires a personality change though, dont know if i can muster that, great blog

    • At work especially, I find I’ve lost my ability to be empathetic to anyone. Being constantly in pain makes it almost impossible to see past it.

      I’m trying very hard to not let it get me…

  2. Did your Dr ever suggest anti-depressants? On the plus side they are not expensive. That helped me early on when I got diagnosed. That led me to try to carve out blocks of time to rest.
    I had a big desk at work and I just felt like crawling under it for a nap so often. A few times I tried to rest in the car but it’s kind of freaky to nap in a parkiing lot. Much as I wanted to rest I did not want to have people think I was crazy.
    Sounds like you may be ready for the next stage of treatment.

    • I’ve been on anti-depressants since I was 20. Oddly enough before the RA got really bad, my dr. upped my dose to help me handle another situation. That’s why feeling so depressed worries me. I also see a therapist – though due to her illness it’s been over a month since our last appointment.

      I usually want to crawl under my desk halfway through the day, if that. Sometimes I’m wiped by the time I get there.

  3. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to live in constant pain. It can drive you crazy. I have witnessed two family members having to live in pain and it is terrible.

  4. Pingback: to be or not to be – yourself « Coffee – my life as it is

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