There is something about this time of year (besides the darkness) that makes me quite sad.
Maybe it’s because everyone else seems to be so incredibly happy during the holidays and that’s just something I’ve never been able to relate to. Growing up Christmas was always a time of guilt, frustration and being pulled between my parents and their families.
Maybe it’s because as the end of the year draws closer I start reflecting on what I did and did not do over the last year. I look back and find regrets or mistakes and times I wish I’d said or done things differently.
Maybe it’s because I take stock of my relationships with family, with friends and with acquaintances. Somehow this is where all the wounds that may never heal are located.
I didn’t make it to Paris this year but all things considered…Paris will always be there and there’s always next year.
But my relationships…some of those have been irreparably damaged. In some cases I accept full responsibility for their demise. In other instances, I just, I couldn’t begin to tell you where things went wrong.
Somehow, every year, I keep adding to the list of people who mean something to me who just up and vanish into thin air. And the truth is, nothing in this world can make me feel more vulnerable and insecure and downright desperate than when someone who professed to care about me just abandons me. I feel gutted and worthless and completely undeserving of ever being loved. It’s the oldest wound I have, being abandoned. My mom left when I was 8, I don’t think you ever really get over that. So many people in my life rip that wound open over and over, including her. I don’t know how to repair it. I’ve tried. I’ve talked it through in therapy. I’ve written lists. I’ve tried to separate other people’s actions from my value as person deserving of love. When it comes right down to it and someone leaves or shuts me out and I can’t explain it, I start to bleed all over again.
There is still a part of me that wonders why the Ex-Boyfriend left. And why someone who professed to care about me this summer, who said they loved me, who desired me, who pursued me, now won’t even answer my texts. Why a friend, or someone I thought was my friend decided, after I had to cancel meeting a few times because of my RA that I wasn’t worth it. Those things create an aching that can’t be explained. There is a part of me that knows why I am loosing one of my best friends but I wish he’d chosen differently.
These scenarios happen over and over again. Year after year. Person after person. Is it me? Is it them? I don’t know.
What I do know is that every time it happens I’m a little less whole. A little less able to connect with the next person.