It’s a lemon

My life for the next 2 weeks

My life for the next 2 weeks

If it seems too good to be true it is.

Sorry if that sounds incredibly depressing but well I’ve spent the day mostly spiraling into the darkness that is my depressive mind.

It happened with Enbrel – I thought it would be the drug that gave me back my life. It helped but not enough. This current heartbreak is over leflunomide aka Arava.

Arava led me on, within days I had more energy. My feet stopped looking like puffed up sausages. I couldn’t believe it. I made it through a whole week of work without a sick day – the first time since November!

For two weeks I actually thought, this is it for me – we’ve found the combination to my RA. I went to a Blodyflow class a few times with women from work. Yes, I had some pain and discomfort as I learned my limits with this new-found energy but I wasn’t wiped out like I would have been if I’d tried the same thing weeks earlier. My joints didn’t seem to achy afterwards, everything seemed to be going in the right direction.

Then two weeks ago I stopped feeling so great. I thought maybe it was just the wacky weather wreaking havoc on me, as per usual.

It wasn’t.

I started to notice little bumps on the back of my right hand but I didn’t think too much of it at first. Sometimes there is so much happening with my body unless it seems urgent, I just wait and see. Even now you can barely notice the bumps but I have been blessed with very smooth, clear skin for the most part so when the bumps started to spread I assumed it was just from dry skin (did I mention I like to live in denial some times)? Well the right hand joined in and by the time this past weekend was over both hands, arms and my thighs were covered.

It never dawned on me that this was an allergic reaction to Arava…until the doctor said so and to follow-up with my rheumotologist. I did follow-up. So I’ve discontinued the Arava and I’m on a high dose of Prednisone to help get the inflammation down. I also get to smear myself a few times daily in Eurax (no it’s not scabies – I had a freak out in the pharmacy when she said that).

So basically I’m back to where I was before. Arava “worked” but I’m allergic to it. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me (again). I was doing better, feeling better, hell I’ve even started to do things at work that I enjoy again (I hate the circumstances at my job but I love what I do).

Today, I feel like I’m trapped by this body. I want to trade it in or fix it but I haven’t had much luck with the latter. Some days I have hope. Today is not one of those days. I feel like it’s a lemon.

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