I’ve lived on my own since 2007. Before that there were roommates, a common-law spouse, and of course family.
I’m an introvert. There is a part of me that likes to be alone. A part of me that needs to be alone to recharge, refocus, and to just be. Even when I live with others, there are times when I need to close my door, lie down and read or listen to music, etc, alone.
I’m a pretty tough cookie but trying to navigate my way through my diagnosis, treatment and day to day living, sometimes I don’t want to be alone anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could come home to someone who could be here to help support me. To help share some of this burden with me. To help me enjoy life. To help me remember when I’m stuck in my bed that there is more than just this body I’m trapped in. To help clean up around here. To hold me when I’m having a bad day.
That’s the chronically ill part of me – in some ways I think that part is selfish. How could I ask someone to share what’s been given to me? Who would volunteer knowing there will be many bad days ahead; knowing that my health is costly; that my body is limited; that there will never be kids or grandkids though I welcome a puppy…
The 34 year old woman in me wants a partner for all the reasons anyone wants one: love, happiness, mutual growth and understanding, respect, comfort, desire, sex…I want a relationship. I want someone to ask me out on a date – not simply as a preamble to sex – but as a way to get to know me. I want someone to hold my hand (but not to squeeze it too hard). I want forehead kisses and couch snuggles. I miss all of those things tremendously.
My depression and rheum-riddled body notwithstanding I think (some days when I catch myself in the right mood) that anyone would be lucky to have me. The me without the two things I can’t divorce myself from – my mind and my body. What a catch!
This is sort of my beginning post on relationships, dating, sex and rheum. I feel like so many bloggers and even resources for rheum patients talk about those things if you’re already in a relationship and how to handle the difficulties that arise but what if you’re still looking? How do you navigate things then?
I have no answers, only ramblings and my own feelings on the subject.