If you’ve followed me here from my previous blog none of this will seem remotely shocking. Actually it just seems like I’ve come full circle at this point (or at least I’m attempting to).
I’ve had all kinds of sex: loving sex, angry sex, breakup sex, make up sex, kinky sex, etc. for the last two years sex has been…I don’t know…tentative…reserved…safe. (That is not a criticism nor meant to disparage any of the lovers I’ve had. Bless them all they got me through an extremely difficult period sexually and I am grateful).
As time goes on I’m learning I can trust people with my body again. I still need time but I can let go again. Enjoy myself again – literally.
One little thing that happened recently while having sex unleashed a lot of desires I thought had long since been been extinguished – being bitten. When you’re with a partner who actually enjoys biting well that’s something completely different than someone who does it because you’ve requested it.
The first time there were nibbles or nips that were more that little love bites so as we were laying there afterwards I teased him about being a biter. I confessed nothing, certainly not my intense love of being bitten. Though I later shared something I’d written about an extremely intense biting experience from a few years ago. I still have evidence of our second encounter, one of the perks of the experience, a lasting reminder.
The rush that comes with biting, the arousal, the pain, the intensity, all of those things came rushing back and I wanted more. Not just biting but those things that I used to enjoy or that I was starting to enjoy when everything changed.
I have an entire box full of toys that have been gathering dust for about two years now. Some actually require a partner to use but I haven’t really been into allowing them out of their hiding spot.
I truly thought some of my darker desires would never come back. I thought that I’d never want those things again that it wasn’t safe to want them. Just before I was raped we’d been talking about toys and experimenting and dabbling in dominance and submission. I don’t think I realized until recently how that conversation and what followed killed all of those urges instantly and made them terrifying to me.
I’ve never been a “everything happens for a reason” person but I think stumbling onto someone who had that particular kink at this particular time is just what I needed. One step closer to reclaiming all of my sexuality. Piece by piece.